thats deep bro

| October 12th, 2024

My worst fear is being nothing. (and dats deep, bro)

I... think that's a common fear? The anxiety that you're not doing enough. In my case, it's the fact that I know that I'll be given the opportunity to be enough, but that due to my current enviroment, I'm basically forced to wait. I feel like that's the worst case of anxiety that you can have. At least, out of all I've experienced.

Back onto the nothing — I've read, and seen, many stories and pictures online about the "neckbeard" type of person. The "no-life," the "loser," the "man who won't leave their parent's basement." I acknowledge that I'm not really any of these caricatures, but when you're told to wait an unknown amount of time for a future that, in the deep parts of your mind, have a fear that it will never come? Any one of those caricatures sound like a possibility. And knowing how much hate can brew in a person that seemingly fits into those characteristics is something that scares the living hell out of me.

I don't want to be a loser. I want to be smart. I want to know things, and I want to do things that expands outside of a single niche I've had since I was 10. I've been feeling burnt out of... myself? And as long as I'm in my enviroment, I feel trapped. I don't want to feel trapped. I could do so much, right now even, but I don't. What does that say about me? I'm young. I can do things. I've read tweets that being a young adult is one of the most anxious parts of their lives — not even taking account the current state of politics and society — but what exactly does that mean?

I've asked for advice so many times. I've given advice to people I love and care about. I've said so many things that I, myself, would say to, well, myself. If I could remember everything I've ever said that had an attempt to make someone feel better? I'd try to say it to the mirror. But I don't remember the last time I did that.

Do I even know how to write? What the hell do I want to even be? A writer? A journalist? Is that just ideas that I just came up with on a random day because I had some vague interest in it?

Do I want to be a programmer? Do I want to continue sitting on my ass all day? Do I want to try figuring out the quirks of the developmental landscape? What does it even mean to inspire people? Why does that matter to me? Did it ever, or was that just a cheap thing to say to get by?

Why are you even reading this? Is it because you have some interest of where this article is going? Does this article even have any flow? Any descriptive understanding? Anything coherent?

I wouldn't even read this.

...
I am afraid of being nothing.

But, on the contrary, I have a vague feeling that I probably will never be nothing.
(and dats deep, bro)